Russ Hawkins

____________NUCLEAR TOP SECRET —-— Declassified______ _______ - - - Russ Hawkins Personal Profile: Russ Hawkins, one of the few people in human history to have his poetic license revoked (and grudgingly reinstated) was born 1,154,511BC on the planet Vulcan, situated in the Sol System between its nearby neighbour's Mars and Jupiter. His birth was heralded by the explosion of seven major constellations. This resulted in a shockwave whose collective intersection was the centre of Vulcan. The early magnetic disturbances caused lightning storms as they descended onto the planet; these enchanted, enthralled and delighted the population. Unfortunately, they caused fire storms to break out as the only things falling out of the sky were bolts of blue electric death (and an occasional squall that was the same odd shade of mauvey-russet, yet far more lethal, although charming to look at). After the tornadoes had drawn these fire storms into the upper atmosphere, thus robbing the air of its moisture content, no rain fell. Fortunately, the tidal waves soon came in and put out all the fires. Unfortunately, the tsunamis had been triggered by massive earthquakes within the core of the world. This was due to the shockwaves which converged and convulsed through the planet's core, literally tearing the planet apart from the inside out. The earthquakes continued until the planet was smashed to pieces and rendered down to what is now referred to as "The Asteroid Belt". His people migrated to Mars where they pondered the meaning of his existence and purpose here in the universe - which had grown accustomed to his presence and over the millennia and become strong enough to contain his being - although it was a close call on a few occasions (see reports ASJMYUN15451 - AZZSEDIT24601 (Cellar 12, Subsections 4, 5 and 6). His people were able to fathom a few hints from the Heavens about his mission here in the galaxy; part of which involved him incarnating on the Earth and going to the Royal Military Academy, Sandhurst (in order to annoy his Colour Sergeant). He achieved this in his first week by a sterling performance which caused his Colour Sergeant to apprehend him after a minor drill infringement (he later realised that in the Colour Sergeant's reality there's no such things as a "minor drill infringement"...). The Colour Sergeant had called: "Platoon... a-right wheel" — (turn right). As he was the left hand marker, and so furthest on the right... ("Delve not too deeply into the military mindset"), and leading the platoon on this occasion, rather than just follow the road around to the right, he continued to right wheel awaiting an instruction such as: "Platoon march forward..." or some suchlike, as he was not yet familiar with any words of command; being completely new to military drill. As he continued to right wheel, off the road, onto the grass, up the garden path and to within a hair's breadth of the rose garden, taking the rest of the platoon with him, his Colour Sergeant (Big 80) screamed out: "Stop!...... no no...... Halt!!! Agghhhh... Platooooon Halt!!!" The ensuing emotions, accusations and enquiries that were then explored by the Colour Sergeant in our agents direction do not need to be delved into at this point, although he did think his cover was blown when the Colour Sergeant relaxed his invective and asked him. "Are you from Mars Mr Hawkins?!?!?!_________________CENSORED_______________________!!!!?!!!!___________________________________________________________!!???!!!!_______________________________________!!!!!!!????!____________________________________________________________________ARGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!___ _____________!!___________________